Mental Illness: Suicidal Thoughts

Mental Illness isn’t the easiest thing to talk about. Most people keep their thoughts to themselves, or end up hurting themselves because they don’t feel they can survive the circumstances. 8.6 million adults have suicidal thoughts and most people don’t know that. I defiantly didn’t know that. And I am one of those adults.

Having suicidal thoughts are scary. You are really thinking about taking your life. Thinking that this world would be so much better without you. Thinking that if you could just leave all the pain would go away. I had these thoughts, and didn’t tell anybody about them. I thought I was weird or strange. I didn’t understand that people have these thoughts all the time. I didn’t know what to do about them.

My most recent suicidal though was about 2016-2017 (very recent i know). I was sitting at home and i just didn’t feel right. I talk about this experience in my book. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I didn’t feel depressed like I normally did, but this time i felt a sense of loneliness and separation from the world. I didn’t have a certain situation that was bothering me at the moment and make me think is…..but i just didn’t want to be here anymore. I told my mother that I was having suicidal thoughts and i didn’t feel right being in the house with my grandmother (we aren’t on good terms) and I just wanted to go away.

After a while I stopped talking to my mother. I know this scared her, but I didn’t feel she could help me while she was away at my father’s house. The next day she came home and we spent all day together so I did feel better. But the one person who made me feel better was my childhood friend from elementary school, whose name I wont mention. She was going through some same mental health issues and actually tried to commit suicide. I asked her how could I check myself into the hospital and get help. She talked to me and asked me what was wrong and what I needed the help for. After talking to her she explained that since I didn’t actually get to the point of actually trying to physically harm myself….my situation wasn’t as severe as the others at the hospital.

She talked to me about my problems and have me advice on how to handle it. She said I was probably going through a lot and should talk to somebody about what I was going through. Crazy thing is; I hold so many emotions in that I don’t even know what thing was bothering me at that moment. To this day I still couldn’t tell you what triggered that emotion. It was the first suicidal thought i had since like middle school; so it defiantly caught me by surprise.

I recommend anybody who is having suicidal thoughts to talk to somebody about their situation. You can not go through these situations alone; you have to get help; you have to talk to somebody. Don’t think you are weird or strange because you are having these emotions. Let it out; express yourself. It will make you feel so much better in the end when you find somebody you trust to talk to.